How to shower like a woman
- Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
- Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
- Complain and whine about getting fat.
- Get in shower.
- Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
- Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
- Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
- Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
- Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
- Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
- Turn off shower.
- Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
- Spray mould spots with Tilex.
- Get out of shower.
- Dry with towel the size of small African country.
- Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
- Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.
How to shower like a man
- Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
- Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her making the "Woo" sound.
- Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
- Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
- Get in shower.
- Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
- Wash armpits.
- Wash privates and the surrounding area.
- Crack up at how loud farts sound in the shower.
- Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
- NOW !!! Wash face.
- Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
- Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
- Pee (in shower).
- Rinse off and get out of shower.
- Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.
- Partially dry off.
- Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again).
- Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
- Leave bathroom light and fan on.
- Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
- Put on yesterday's clothes.
